Dear esteemed members of my regular pod,
I write to you today with a heavy heart, a slightly melted deck box, and a sincere desire to apologise for my conduct during last Thursday’s Commander night. I understand that my actions may have disrupted the sacred social contract of multiplayer Magic. I take full responsibility. Mostly.
Let me begin with the obvious: I should not have cast Armageddon. It probably should not be in my group hug deck. That was wrong. I see that now. In my defence, I thought it would be funny. In hindsight, it was not funny. Except to me. And briefly to Richard, before he remembered he was playing mono-green and had just tapped out for a Tooth and Nail.
To clarify, I did not mean to target Dave’s emotional support squirrel deck. I simply misread “support squirrel” as “threat squirrel.” That’s on me. I’ve since enrolled in a course on squirrel diplomacy and am committed to rebuilding trust with the rodent community.
Furthermore, I acknowledge that my custom planeswalker card, “Ray, the Petty” with the ultimate ability “Exile all friendships”, was in poor taste. Especially since I printed it on a foil proxy and insisted it was “legal in spirit.” I now understand that spirit legality is not a recognised format.
I also regret bringing my foghorn to signal priority shifts. It was disruptive, confusing, and, as it turns out, illegal in several jurisdictions. I’ve donated the foghorn to a local lighthouse (at Dunnet), where it can do less harm. Ultimately, it could be argued, this was therefore all for a good cause.
I am also informed that it was inappropriate to replace the life tracker app with a dating simulator. I thought it would add “emotional stakes.” It did not. It added confusion, heartbreak, and a deeply uncomfortable moment when the app proposed to James mid-combat.
I should not have introduced the “Commander Drinking Game” where everyone sips whenever someone says “go to combat.” Especially since I knew I was playing a deck that chained 47 combat phases. I now realise that hydration is not the same as intoxication, and that electrolytes are not a win condition.
I deeply regret the moment I attempted to cast a spell using interpretive dance. While I maintain that my rendition of “Cyclonic Rift” was artistically valid, I accept that knocking over the table mid-spin was counterproductive. I’ve since retired from spellcasting ballet.
Lastly, and most importantly, I apologise for the goat. I thought it was a fun thematic nod to “Greatest of All Time.” I did not anticipate it would eat half of Adam’s tokens, nor that it would become enchanted with Eldrazi Conscription. That was a miscalculation. I have returned the goat to its rightful owner (a petting zoo that now runs a mono-white aggro deck).
In conclusion, I am sorry. I am growing. I understand that I am banned from the pod until further notice. But I remain hopeful. Hopeful that one day, we can shuffle up, draw seven, and pretend none of this ever happened.
Yours in eternal mana screw,
Stuart
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