Hey, it’s a new series! We’ll see how long this one lasts.
You love your character. You’ve built them with care, crafted their tragic backstory, and memorised every spell or ability. But deep down, you know the truth: your class sucks. All of them do. Here’s why.
Wizard: The Squishy Know-It-All
Wizards are walking encyclopedias with the physical durability of wet tissue. Sure, they can bend reality, but only after spending three hours choosing spells and another hour explaining them to the party. One bad stealth check and it’s “roll a new character.”
Why they suck: They die at level 2 and peak at level 17.
Cleric: The Passive-Aggressive Healer
Clerics pretend they’re here to help, but they’re really just divine judgment wrapped in smug superiority. They’ll heal you… after a lecture. And if you don’t follow their god’s dietary restrictions? Enjoy that Cure Wounds at second level, sinner.
Why they suck: You’re just a glorified potion with opinions.
Paladin: The Smite-Crazed Narc
Paladins are the prefects of the fantasy world. They’ll smite evil, then spend the next hour debating whether stealing from goblins violates their oath. They’re tanky, yes, but they’re also one moral dilemma away from a full-blown existential crisis.
Why they suck: They’re lawful good until it’s inconvenient.
Bard: The Walking Distraction
Bards are the reason your campaign turned into a musical. They flirt with everything, cast spells with interpretive dance, and somehow always end up in jail. Their utility is undeniable, but so is their ability to derail every plot thread with a lute solo.
Why they suck: You can’t concentrate on combat when they’re seducing the dragon.
Rogue: The Greedy Liability
Rogues are allergic to teamwork. They sneak off, trigger traps, loot everything, and then act surprised when the party’s mad. Their damage is great, but their personality is “trust fund raccoon with a dagger.”
Why they suck: They’re a solo game trapped in a group setting.
Warlock: The Emo Spellcaster
Warlocks made a deal with a cosmic horror and won’t shut up about it. They get two spell slots and a lifetime supply of daddy issues. Every conversation is a therapy session, and every combat is Eldritch Blast on repeat.
Why they suck: You’re a goth wizard with commitment problems.
Sorcerer: The Magical One-Trick Pony
Sorcerers are flashy, fragile, and frustrating. They didn’t earn their magic, they inherited it like a cursed heirloom. Their spell list is tiny, their HP is tinier, and their strategy is “Fireball until someone notices.”
Why they suck: You’re a wizard with fewer options and more drama.
Druid: The Nature-Obsessed Buzzkill
Druids are powerful, yes, but they’ll halt a dungeon crawl to save a mushroom. They shapeshift into animals nobody asked for and cast spells that make the ranger feel bad. Also, they hate cities, metal, and fun.
Why they suck: You’re a vegan with spell slots.
Fighter: The Blandest Tank
Fighters are reliable, durable, and about as exciting as a tax form. They hit things. Then they hit things again. If you want flavor, go play literally any other class. If you want consistency, welcome to the beige brigade.
Why they suck: You’re the default option with extra attacks.
Barbarian: The Rage-Powered Meat Shield
Barbarians are great at soaking damage and terrible at everything else. They rage, they smash, they forget what subtlety is. Their idea of problem-solving is “punch it until it stops being a problem.” Maybe they don’t suck?
Why they suck: You’re a hammer in a world full of screws.
Monk: The Underpowered Acrobat
Monks are fast, thematic, and tragically weak. They punch ghosts, run up walls, and still get out-damaged by the rogue. Their mechanics are a mess, their ki is limited, and their flavor is “kung fu with a side of disappointment.”
Why they suck: You’re a martial artist who forgot to bring damage.
No Rerolls 
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