You thought you left them behind. But every dungeon, every encounter, every initiative roll is haunted by echoes of your past relationship. Turns out, the Monster Manual is just a breakup album with stat blocks. Let’s unpack the trauma.
Vampire: The Charismatic Leech
They were charming, seductive, and emotionally draining. You felt alive around them… until you realised they were feeding off your vitality and never aging. Also, they kept showing up uninvited. And they hated garlic.
Metaphor: Hot, manipulative, and immortal in your nightmares.
Dragon: The Hoarding Narcissist
They had everything: power, beauty, and an ego the size of Faerûn. They hoarded compliments like treasure and burned anyone who challenged their authority. You weren’t dating them; you were part of their collection.
Metaphor: Majestic, terrifying, and emotionally unavailable.
Troll: The Argument Recycler
Every fight was the same. You’d think it was over, but nope, they regenerated the drama and came back swinging. You needed fire or acid (or therapy) to make it stop.
Metaphor: Keeps bringing up that thing from three months ago.
Mind Flayer: The Gaslighting Intellectual
They were smart. Too smart. They twisted your words, invaded your thoughts, and made you question reality. You didn’t break up; you escaped a psychic prison.
Metaphor: Weaponized intelligence and a tentacle fetish.
Zombie: The Emotionally Dead Ex
They were there, technically. But emotionally? A shambling husk. Conversations were one-sided, affection was mechanical, and they only responded to basic commands. You dated a corpse with a Spotify account.
Metaphor: Present but not alive. Also smelled weird.
Werewolf: The Mood Swinger
One minute they were sweet and cuddly. The next? Full moon meltdown. You never knew which version you were getting, but you always ended up bleeding. They blamed it on “cycles.”
Metaphor: Unpredictable, hairy, and full of excuses.
Ettercap: The Manipulative Web Spinner
They spun lies like silk and trapped you in a sticky mess of half-truths and guilt. You didn’t realize you were caught until it was too late. Also, they had weird hobbies.
Metaphor: Creepy, controlling, and eight-legged in spirit.
Yuan-ti: The Cold-Blooded Schemer
They were charming, calculating, and completely devoid of empathy. Every move was strategic, every compliment a setup. You were a pawn in their serpentine game.
Metaphor: Sleek, toxic, and always shedding their skin.
Ghost: The One Who Haunts You
They’re gone. You know they’re gone. But they keep showing up in your dreams, your playlists, and your “On This Day” memories. You can’t exorcise what lives in your heart.
Metaphor: Ethereal, nostalgic, and emotionally parasitic.
Genie: The Wish Granter with Caveats
They gave you everything you wanted… but only on their terms. Every wish came with strings, every gift with conditions. You weren’t dating a person; you were negotiating a contract.
Metaphor: Generous… until you read the fine print.
Slaad: The Chaotic Infection
You thought they were quirky. Turns out they were chaos incarnate. They infected your life with drama, then hopped off to ruin someone else’s campaign. You still have lingering symptoms.
Metaphor: Froggy, flaky, and emotionally contagious.
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