Don’t lie to me. Don’t lie to yourself.
You didn’t pick that subclass for “mechanical synergy”. You picked it because your “character” (LOL, deflection, much?) has unresolved trauma and a desperate need for validation. Let’s unpack the subclasses that practically come with a therapist’s business card.
Hexblade Warlock: The Sword Is Your Father Now
You made a pact with a sentient weapon because no one else ever believed in you. Your patron is emotionally distant, vaguely threatening, and gives you power in exchange for obedience. Sounds like a father figure to me! But, yeah, you’re not a warlock; you’re a walking metaphor for paternal abandonment.
Core vibe: “I don’t need a dad. I have a blade.”
Oath of Vengeance Paladin: The Paladin with a Vendetta
You swore an oath not to protect the innocent, but to punish the guilty. You’re not here for justice; you’re here for revenge. Your moral compass is a broken GPS, and your emotional arc is just a smite-fueled tantrum. Someone didn’t get enough hugs…
Core vibe: “My father never hugged me, so now I hug evil with radiant damage.”
Aberrant Mind Sorcerer: The Psychic Cry for Help
Your powers come from a mysterious alien influence. You hear voices. You see things. You lie to yourself that you’re casting spells whilst you’re actually broadcasting your unresolved childhood trauma across the astral plane. Every subclass feature is a red flag wrapped in tentacles.
Core vibe: “My dad was emotionally distant and now so am I… cosmically.”
Shadow Magic Sorcerer: The Goth Phase That Never Ended
Oh look, another Sorcerer. Let me pretend to be surprised. You were touched by the Shadowfell. You’re edgy, tragic, and allergic to sunlight. You didn’t choose this power; it chose you. Fundamentally, You’re a Tumblr post with hit points.
Core vibe: “My father never saw me. Now I cast Darkness so no one can.”
Genie Warlock: The Transactional Love Language
You made a pact with a genie because you crave structure and conditional affection. You get powers, but only if you behave. Sit down, son. You’re a child of emotionally unavailable parenting with a wish list.
Core vibe: “I’ll be good if you give me spell slots.”
Eloquence Bard: The Validation Vampire
You picked this subclass because you want to be liked. LOL, there’s an exercise in futility… You charm, persuade, and manipulate your way through every encounter. You’re not eloquent, though. Are you? Nah, you’re desperate. Every performance is a plea for an approval that will never come.
Core vibe: “My dad said I talked too much. Now I talk for a living.”
Way of the Long Death Monk: The Emotionally Numb Nihilist
You study death. You embrace it. You’re not afraid of it. You’re obsessed with it. You didn’t pick this subclass for flavour. You picked it because you stopped feeling things and thought maybe death was the next logical step.
Core vibe: “My father never said goodbye. So now I never say anything.”
Order Domain Cleric: The Control Freak with a Holy Complex
You serve a god of law and order. You crave structure, obedience, and control. You’re not merely healing the party; you’re managing them. You didn’t pick this subclass for divine power. You picked it because chaos reminds you of the home you left behind.
Core vibe: “My dad was unpredictable. So now I cast Command.”
School of Necromancy Wizard: The Reanimator of Regret
You raise the dead. You talk to corpses. You refuse to let go. You embraced necromancy because you never got the closure you needed. Your skeletons are just emotional baggage with initiative rolls.
Core vibe: “My father left. I bring things back.”
No Rerolls 