You thought alignment was a moral compass. You thought it helped define your character’s ethics, values, and behavior. But let’s be real… it’s really, really not. When it comes right down to it, the alignment chart is just fantasy astrology. A nine-square grid of vibes and projection? Please. You’re just picking an arbitrary personality label with a bunch of conditional abilities attached.
Let’s break down why alignment is less “moral philosophy” and more “Zodiac signs with smite damage.”
Lawful Good: The Capricorn Paladin
You follow rules. You uphold justice. You’re insufferable. You treat the Player’s Handbook like scripture and the DM like a divine authority. Everyone else is roleplaying; you’re enforcing.
Astrology equivalent: Capricorn sun, Virgo moon, with a rising sense of superiority.
Emotional truth: You crave structure because chaos reminds you of your disappointment of a childhood.
Neutral Good: The Libra Cleric
You want to help. You want to heal. You want everyone to get along. You’re the party’s moral compass and emotional sponge. You call yourself neutral, but you’re really just conflict-avoidant whilst clutching a holy symbol.
Astrology equivalent: Libra with a side of Pisces.
Emotional truth: You fear rejection, so you over-function in group dynamics.
Lawful Neutral: The Bureaucratic Taurus
You follow the rules. All the rules. Even the dumb ones. Like any self-respective reality TV diva, you’re not here to make friends. You’re here to file paperwork. You treat alignment like a tax code and justice like a flowchart.
Astrology equivalent: Taurus with a spreadsheet fetish.
Emotional truth: You fear unpredictability, so you worship systems.
Lawful Evil: The Scorpio CEO
You’re evil, but with a business plan. You manipulate, dominate, and monologue. You’re called chaotic, but it’s more that you’re calculated. You treat morality like a chessboard and the party like pawns.
Astrology equivalent: Scorpio sun, Capricorn moon, with a rising NDA.
Emotional truth: You crave control because vulnerability is weakness.
True Neutral: The Emotionally Detached Aquarius
You’re above it all. You don’t take sides. You don’t get involved. You’re disengaged. You treat plot hooks like spam emails and moral dilemmas like weather reports.
Astrology equivalent: Aquarius with a Gemini moon and a thousand-yard stare.
Emotional truth: You fear intimacy, so you roleplay detachment.
Chaotic Good: The Sagittarius Bard
You want freedom. You want justice. You want to do good, but only if it’s fun. You’re the party’s moral wildcard and the DM’s pacing nightmare. Most of all, you’re just loud.
Astrology equivalent: Sagittarius with a Leo rising and a crippling caffeine addiction.
Emotional truth: You fear being controlled, so you rebel against everything, especially plot structure.
Chaotic Neutral: The Gemini Rogue
You’re unpredictable. You’re impulsive. You’re exhausting. You treat every session like a prank war and every NPC like a dare. The party is concerned about your allergy to consequences.
Astrology equivalent: Gemini sun, Aries moon, with a rising need for attention.
Emotional truth: You fear being boring, so you sabotage everything.
Chaotic Evil: The Aries Warlock
You’re here to burn things. You’re here to cause problems. You’re here to make the DM cry. You treat alignment like a license to be a jerk and plotlines like kindling.
Astrology equivalent: Aries with a Scorpio moon and a criminal record.
Emotional truth: You fear being powerless, so you lash out until someone makes you stop.
Neutral Evil: The Virgo Assassin
You’re evil, but quiet about it. You lie, cheat, and manipulate, but only when it’s efficient. You treat morality like a cost-benefit analysis and empathy like a liability.
Astrology equivalent: Virgo sun, Capricorn moon, with a rising air of nit being entirely sure that this relationship is worth emotion toll.
Emotional truth: You fear being seen, so you hide behind competence.
No Rerolls 