Feats are optional, but so is therapy. You didn’t pick a feat because it made sense, you picked it because it said something about you. Something loud. Something unhinged. Let’s unpack the passive-aggressive stat blocks you call “character customisation.”
Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or maybe they haven’t. I don’t care what you think of me.
Observant: The Overthinker’s Flex
You see everything. You hear everything. You remember everything. And you make sure everyone knows it. You’re not roleplaying a perceptive character; you’re roleplaying your inability to let things go, Richard!
Toxic trait: You read too much into everything and correct people mid-sentence.
Great Weapon Master: The Compensation Complex
You picked this feat because you wanted to hit harder. And miss harder. You’re swinging for the fences every turn, hoping to land a crit and justify your existence. You’re not the tactical genius you think, Ray. You’re desperate.
Toxic trait: You equate damage output with self-worth.
Magic Initiate: The Spellcasting Parasite
You dipped into another class for one spell. One. Spell. You didn’t want the responsibility of being a caster, but you wanted Eldritch Blast and the moral high ground. You’re a magical raccoon rifling through other people’s spell lists, Craig.
Toxic trait: You want power without commitment.
Lucky: The Control Freak’s Safety Net
You don’t trust the dice. You don’t trust fate. You don’t trust fun. You picked Lucky because you need to be in control at all times. You’re not lucky, though. Are you? Are you? You’re just terrified of failure and allergic to consequences, Emily.
Toxic trait: You reroll life until it stops being inconvenient.
Tough: The Emotional Wall
You didn’t pick Tough because it’s an optimal build option. You picked it because you’re tired of getting hurt. You want HP. You want durability. You want to be the tank, both emotionally and physically. You’re not resilient, Robert, you’re repressed.
Toxic trait: You think vulnerability is a dump stat.
Actor: The Spotlight Leech
You picked Actor because you want to be everyone, everywhere, all at once. You impersonate NPCs, derail plots, and turn every social encounter into a one-man show. We are trying to roleplay. Stop auditioning, James.
Toxic trait: You think deception is a personality.
Fey Touched: The Flavour Addict
You didn’t pick this for Misty Step. You picked it because it sounded cool. You wanted to be mysterious, magical, and vaguely unhinged. You’re not optimising; you’re curating vibes, Claire.
Toxic trait: You treat your character sheet like a Pinterest board.
Skilled: The Overcompensator
You picked Skilled because you couldn’t decide. You wanted to be good at everything. You’re not versatile, though. Look at yourself. You’re indecisive. You’re the party’s Swiss Army knife, and none of your tools are sharp. This one might be my own dysfunction…
Toxic trait: You fear specialisation because it means choosing.
Shield Master: The Rules Lawyer’s Wet Dream
You picked this because you read the PHB cover to cover and found a loophole. You shove enemies, block spells, and argue about timing. You’re not defending the party at all, are you? Nah, pal, you’re defending your ego. Come on, Harley!
Toxic trait: You think RAW is a personality.
Custom Feats: The Homebrew Narcissist
You didn’t like the options, so you made your own. You’re not playing D&D at this point. You’re playing “look what I made.” Your feat is broken, your justification is flimsy, and your DM is tired. You know who you are!
Toxic trait: You think balance is for other people.
No Rerolls 
1 Comment