You said it was “for roleplay.” You said it “fit the character.” But we all know the truth: your character voice is a window into your soul, and it’s screaming. Let’s unpack the real reasons behind your vocal choices, and the damage they do.
The Gravelly Batman Growl
You’re playing a rogue, a warlock, or anything vaguely “dark.” Your voice is pure throat trauma, and you sound like you gargle gravel between sessions. You think it’s intimidating. It’s not. It’s just hard to understand and harder to take seriously.
Real reason: You want to sound cool, but you’re afraid of vulnerability. Also, you watched The Witcher too many times.
The Over-Enunciated Shakespearean Accent
You’re a wizard, bard, or cleric who thinks every sentence is a soliloquy. You speak like you’re auditioning for Hamlet, and you pause dramatically before every spell. We don’t need a full dramatic monologue every time you go to cast Fireball…
Real reason: You crave attention and think your character is smarter than everyone else. Also, you peaked in high school theatre.
The Soft, Ethereal Elf Whisper
You’re playing an elf, probably a druid or ranger, and you speak like you’re afraid the trees will hear you. Every sentence is breathy, mystical, and vaguely passive-aggressive. Seriously, please don’t ASMR the party to sleep.
Real reason: You want to sound wise without being challenged. Also, you think Legolas is a personality.
The Unhinged Goblin Squeal
You’re a gnome, kobold, or chaotic bard, and your voice is 90% nasal chaos. You cackle, shriek, and make sound effects mid-combat. You’re not helping. You’re not cute. You’re just auditioning for Muppet Mayhem.
Real reason: You want to be the comic relief but also the main character. Also, you were told to “use your inside voice” too many times as a child.
The Scottish Dwarf That Slips into Pirate
You’re a dwarf. You committed to the accent. You really did. But now it’s drifting. Sometimes it’s Irish. Sometimes it’s pirate. Sometimes it’s just angry. You’re not consistent. You’re just loud. Also, as an actual Scot, I’m deeply offended that you chose to play in “tartanface”.
Real reason: You thought it’d be easy. It wasn’t. Now you’re stuck in linguistic purgatory.
The “I Just Use My Normal Voice” Guy
You didn’t pick a voice. I bet you thought I was going to go easy on you. Idiot. You said it was “too much effort.” You narrate your character like a sports commentator and refuse to emote. This feels less like roleplaying and more like you’re reading aloud in front of class.
Real reason: You’re afraid of cringe and allergic to commitment. Also, you think immersion is for nerds.
The Deep, Slow, Wise Voice™
You’re a cleric, paladin, or ancient wizard, and you speak like molasses in a cathedral. Every sentence is a sermon. Every word is capitalised. I don’t care what you think; you’re not wise. You’re just slow.
Real reason: You want gravitas but forgot pacing. Also, you think sounding old is the same thing as sounding smart.
The Sultry Tiefling Seductress
You’re a bard, warlock, or rogue with horns and trauma. Your voice is low, smooth, and dripping with innuendo. You flirt with everything, including the furniture. Please, for all that is good and righteous in this maggot-infested world, stop trying to thirst-trap the DM.
Real reason: You wanted to be hot and mysterious but ended up sounding like a fantasy phone operator.
No Rerolls 
Not an RPG gamer, but I felt this!
That was hilarious
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Ta. Am enjoying writing these. Got them queued up until mid-February.
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