A Field Pamphlet for Enduring Optimisation Tyranny
The Warning Signs
- Spreadsheet at the Table: They arrive with Excel sheets, probability graphs, and a calculator holstered like a weapon.
- One‑Trick Combat Pony: Every encounter devolves into the same “optimal” move, repeated until boredom sets in.
- Rules as Ammunition: They quote obscure mechanics not for flavour, but to squeeze out +1 bonus after +1 bonus. If Tesco has taught them anything, it’s that every little helps.
- Fun Police: They glare at anyone who makes a “sub‑optimal” choice, as if joy were a crime. This is because, to them, joy is a crime.
- Build Bragging: They introduce their character by listing damage averages instead of personality traits.
Common Tactics
- The DPR Flex: Damage Per Round statistics are recited as scripture, usually mid‑combat.
- The Feat Hoarder: Every level‑up is a surgical strike for maximum efficiency, never flavour.
- The Party Accountant: They calculate everyone else’s builds and “suggest improvements.”
- The Narrative Shrug: Backstory? Personality? Who cares! The numbers are the story.
- The DM Exploit: They scour rulebooks for loopholes and then demand “RAW” rulings to justify them.
Survival Strategies
- House Rule the Spotlight: Limit repetitive tactics; force variety in combat actions. Not ideal, but you’re dealing with a bigger problem.
- Narrative Hooks: Reward roleplay choices with mechanical bonuses, such as points of inspiration, to balance the math obsession.
- DM Firewall: Pre‑emptively close loopholes before they become exploits.
- Party Pact: Agree that “fun beats math” when choices clash. Or don’t agree, but still ensure it happens.
- Emergency Diversion: Throw in social encounters, puzzles, or moral dilemmas where optimisation is useless.
Closing Note and Legal Disclaimer
Min‑Maxers thrive on unchecked mathematical supremacy. This further entrenches my theory that maths is ultimately a scam, or a long con. Regardless, they weaponise mechanics until the campaign feels like a spreadsheet simulator. Spot them early, set boundaries, and remember: the best tables reward creativity, not just efficiency.
No spreadsheets were harmed in the making of this pamphlet. All accusations of math tyranny are satirical, though any resemblance to actual players who sigh loudly when you pick a “flavour feat” is entirely intentional. Use of this kit may cause spontaneous laughter, mild resentment from optimisation purists, and a sudden urge to roll with disadvantage just to prove a point. As always, any D&D-radjacent product may cause weight gain.
No Rerolls 